We need to talk.
Oh girl, I had a really interesting start to 2019. I spoke about it a little on social media. But now, I’m a little less emotional I think we need to digress about toxic friendships.
We hear about toxic relationships but have you ever considered that toxic friendships are a very real possibility? I truly never thought I would be in one of these friendships in my 20’s. I’d always kind of reserved that behaviour for a high school scenario, but it’s easy to forget that some people never truly graduate from that high school mentality. And also, shit happens. No matter what your age.
So what is a Toxic friendship?
I like to describe toxic friendships, especially my experience as a sneaky slow burner. You literally don’t realise until you half way down the friendship line. You figure out that this person may not want the best for you or that original connection has faded. A few emotional punches later, They’ve revealed their true intention.
A true friendship is supposed to bring love, joy and comfort to your life, organically at that. If that’s not whats happening then girl, its possibly time to move on from that situation.
I’m a big believer of long lasting core friendships. You don’t have to have many friends but you do have to have friendships that make you happy & add a beautiful quality to your life. I’m usually really self aware and able to see peoples trues intentions. But how can you be sure to spot the signs?
Signs of a Toxic Friendship
You’re compared to other friends
This is a massive pet peeve for me. Friends should uplift you and support you, not tear you down and compare you to other friendships. “SO and So does this for me, why don’t you?” No hun, thats not cool. Since when did it become okay to pit your friends against each other?
It’s no longer 50/50
There’s no room for you anymore in the conversation. It’s got to be on their terms and their topics. I remember trying to mention one little thing going on in my life to an ex friend. I was instantly made to feel guilty. This friend didn’t want to know about my life anymore, they couldn’t be happy. That was hard but also a blessing in learning that it was more give than take.
Constant jabs at you needing to change
Now, I’m totally okay with my close friends pointing out my flaws and being comfortable to tell me when I’ve upset or done something they’re not totally on board with.
BUT.. telling your friends they need to change constantly and doing so in a righteous way, isn’t okay. You know as well as I do, that if the shoe were on the other foot, that friend wouldn’t listen to any of your thoughts on how they could evolve on being a better person. Its a two way street – and they’re not playing.
It’s a constant emotional rollercoaster
This is a big sign. I knew the friendship I was in, was dying a death when I no longer looked forward to making plans with this friend because I just felt like every meet up would be a stressful, hard one. I became so anxious because nothing was good enough anymore.
They stop making the first move for plans
This relates to it being no longer 50/50 but I really want to emphasise on this point. If it is just you making the plans, you starting the text conversation and you picking up the phone. Thats toxic. Thats just you putting the effort in and that will take its toll! It not healthy.
You do you
Friendship break ups and break downs happen. It sucks. It hurts to be hurt but it’s also a time for you to breathe and allow yourself to get closure. For me, it was important to just digitally block the ex friend, damage limitation. They don’t need to see what I’m doing and I have no desire to see what they’re doing.
It’s a time for a little reflection, sure. But think about it, accept it and move on to brighter and better friendships.